Last One, Promise

And then there's this. Don't ask. It amuses me. See what happens when I start going through my desktop?

The Princess and the Cow

Once upon a time there was this cow. Now this cow was not a particularly happy cow, nor was he a particularly sad cow. He was just a cow. One day a princess wandered into his field. She was lost. She said, “Oh, woe is me! I am lost! Dearest, brave and noble cow, canest thou help me?”

Now the cow was just a cow and could not help the princess, nonetheless he was pleased by her offer. He lived happily ever after. The princess, on the other hand, got lost, died, and did not live happily ever after.

The End

 

The Princess and the Cow: II

Once upon a time there was this cow. He was a very happy cow, because once a princess had asked him for help. This cow, so emboldened by the princess’s plea, decided to go on an adventure. The cow looked right. The cow looked left. All he saw was the field he spent his entire life in. The cow said, “Moo!”

This roughly translates too: “This is no good! I will find no adventure in the field I grew up in!”

So the cow set off. He slowly plodded to the edge of his field; there he found a fence. Once more he looked right, and then he looked left. The fence continued as far as his eye could see to the right and to the left. In fact the fence completely surrounded the field. Much dismayed the cow could think of no way around the fence. Finally the cow went to bed to deal with the problem in the morning.

To be continued…

 

The Princess and the Cow: III 

Once upon a time there was this cow. He was a very dismayed cow, because he was trying to go on an adventure, but he could not get over the fence that surrounded the field he grew up in. As the cow stared in a dismayed way at the fence, a miracle happened! A beautiful cow fairy appeared, and with a wave of her beautiful cow wand she made the fence disappear! She said, “Moo.”

This roughly translates too: “Noble and brave cow! Be the first of your kind to go on an adventure! Be proud and save the world.”

Now, truth be told, this cow had never gone to school, and understood only so many translations for moo, but he did get the general idea of what the fairy said. The cow, thus charged, set off on his journey to figure out how the heck an uneducated cow who had never left the field he grew up in before was to save the world. 

To be continued…

 

The Princess and the Cow: IV

Once upon a time there was this cow. He was a very perplexed cow, because a beautiful cow fairy had charged him with saving the world. The cow set off. He looked to the right. He looked to left. He looked straight ahead. He saw nothing but trees, a small pond, some ducks and a dragon. The cow had never seen a dragon before, so thus he had no idea what they were. But the cow had some idea that they were bad news. This dragon happened to be eating a hamburger. Quite outraged at the abomination he saw before him the cow exclaimed, “MOO!”

This roughly translates too: “YOU MONSTER! DROP THAT HAMBURGER THIS INSTANT!!”

The dragon heard the cow, and not understanding him, thought “Oh, goody! Another hamburger!”

The cow, so outraged, lowered his horns and charged. Luckily the cow tripped, because had the cow finished his charge he would have been either blown up, or horribly devoured and then blown up. As it was the dragon stepped and an old mine from the Vietnam War and died. The cow decided he had fulfilled the beautiful cow fairy’s directive and went back to his field where he lived happily ever after. 

The End  

One More Thing

I also want to post a couple of essaylets, but I thought putting them with the poems was inappropriate. Kind of like putting little boys and little girls in the same post? Or cabin...

College Essay

White. Female. What year will you graduate? In an attempt to get to know you, the college applications inquire, please place one word and a number to differentiate you from all of the other one worded numbers and single digited words. In an attempt to be fair, and in the interest of research - you wouldn’t want to squash that, now would you? -  please tell us your race, your religion, your mother’s maiden name, and your favorite type of jam. We want diversity, you see, if you are not diverse enough, you see, you can’t come, you see, for if the percentages don’t work out, you see, we are accused of racism and separatism and accountabilityism, and we wouldn’t want that. So tell us, in 500 words or less, one word is best, if you are part of a unique culture; that way we can add you to our statistics, and you can become a face in a crowd.

Meditations

I am trying to find enlightenment in the written word. Plumbing the depths of human nature, I’m searching literature for some crystal of truth around which to grow an identity. I find many things on the smooth white pages between the crooked lines: humor and sorrow, birth and death, a million experiences beyond my ken. But what I search for is noticeably lacking: answers, truth, fulfillment, maybe even love. Because, of course, I’ve read about love and it’s all consuming nature, but reading is never the same and I want to grab reality and hold on until some little piece rubs off. But it is the tragedies that hide what I seek. In the gaps between Oedipus Rex and Macbeth there lies undiscovered truth; I know this because I read it somewhere. And I shall have to search until I find it; analyzing metaphors and subtexts until literature and human nature line up as an equation and then all I have to do is solve for X and I will have the question. For I already know the answer; it is 42.

Miscellaneous Meanderings

So, instead of doing a real update I'm going to post some old poems I have running around wild on my desk top. Because I fancy myself a poet. Exciting, no?

Literature

Literature and poetry:

A wealth of color,

Beauty, plot.

There are a myriad of reasons

To read.

But one of the reasons

Should not,

Is not,

Intellectual.

Do not read for impressions.

Do not read because you should.

Read because you love.

Read because you need to know.

Read for love and liberty.

Read for truth and travesty.

But do not,

Do not,

Read for should or could,

Or some trivial esteem.

Reading belongs to the soul,

Not to the mind.

Crayon Box

Sometimes, when surrounded by colors like

Purple Mountains Majesty,

Mauvelous,

And Macaroni and Cheese,

It’s hard being

Plain old brown.

Rebellion

Sit in classes.

Sipping coffee.

Speaking intellectualisms.

 

There is a storm outside

beating on the windows.

Rat-a-tat-tat.

 

The students are deaf.

Their ears are filled with the sedate world of academia.

They read poetry about wild nights of love and fright.

The passion falls flat.

Stale lightening and monotones,

deportment and appropriate attire.

It makes the most fierce of things

collapse into sedition.

On the Enormity of Innovation

A million people have come before,

A million more may come after.

Statistically speaking,

Probability provides,

That every word I speak,

Every letter I write,

Is old.

No new ground to tread,

No clique left unread.

A keyboard to my right,

Paper to my left,

Squashed in the middle?

A tired old brain
Searching for an answer unspoken.

A fruitless search.

Cafe of the Future!

I’ve figured it out! This is what I want to do with my life! I want to open a geek café! It would sell coffee and sweets and sandwiches during the day and at night it would sell beer and dinner kinds of things and have games set up. Like guitar hero.  And there would be a dice counter. Because dice are awesome. And there would be shelves of used books to browse through, and tables set up for gaming. Maybe some computers. And comfy chairs. And it will be awesome. Yes. Can’t freakin’ wait.

Life Goal: Become a Centaur (or a hobo)

I don’t understand. Why am I going to college? What is the point? I let my parents spend thousands of dollars and I study for four to six years (or longer?) and then I have a degree. I can now, supposedly, get a better job. But there are no guarantees. I can’t help but feel this is all just an excuse to avoid the real world and a real job for another few years. But what the hell am I supposed to do except go to college? I don’t want to go back to my parent’s house. I don’t think I could hold down a normal job. I don’t have the first idea about how to get one.

And of course the whole ridiculous thing about this is that I like learning. I find information and intelligence fascinating, pleasurable, sexy. I have been known to spontaneously laugh from the sheer joy of solving a tricky calculus problem. Doesn’t this mean I should continue studying? It’s what I truly love. But I hate school. I hate the pointless pedantry. I hate the self satisfied Cheshire cats who grin at my failure and tell me the best way to get nowhere. (I hate how I’m so paranoid that I actually feel like everyone is laughing at me.) I hate how the beauty and joy and art of learning and academia can be made into something boring and trashy and dusty and dissatisfying. I hate the need to be practical.

I think what I hate most is that I’m terrified that I will fail.

Maybe I should become a hermit. I could set up a tent in the Library of Congress. I would read a new book everyday and live off of coffee and dust mites.